Sometimes my paranoia gets the best of me and I imagine my neighbors holding weekly meetings to schedule how they are going to annoy me.
These meetings would be led by the neighbor to our north, because she likes to control things and I imagine her telling the other neighbors her master's degree makes her the obvious choice to lead. These imagined weekly meetings would be to schedule noise nuisances and I picture them going something like this: Neighbor North: Now, of course I'm doing more than my share of the work by having my dogs outside barking all day, every day. So I need the rest of you to fill in time slots with your own special projects. Alcoholic Douchebag Neighbor: (taking a long swig of his MGD) I'm already planning to drive my Harley around the block multiple times this weekend. NN: Good, good. Needlessly revving the engine? ADN: Of course. Every time I pass by her house. NN: (rubbing hands together with glee) Perfect! How about you, Amy Arborgedden? AA: The kids and dogs will be outside all weekend. As you know, my youngest has only one volume. She'll be yelling as long as her little lungs will hold up. Which, I promise, is indefinitely. NN: Nice! How about you, Gray House Guy? GHG: I'll have my pet bird in his cage outside when it's not raining. NN: The one that screeches, "AFLAC!" over and over? GHG: That's the one. NN: Blue Dump Truck Neighbor, how about you, what will you be contributing to this weekend's Noise Fest? BDTN: I'll be pounding on my dump truck with a sledge hammer for no apparent reason whatsoever. NN: Oooh, delightful! How long? BDTN: All weekend. Alcoholic Douchebag Neighbor: Hey, I want to add something. NN: Of course! Highly encouraged. ADN: I'm going to mow. NN: ... Okaaaay. ADN: It's going to take me all day. I'm going to start/stop multiple times. You know how it takes most people about an hour to mow? I can stretch that shit out for hours. Days, even. NN: Oh, yes, I've noticed that if you're not on your Harley, four-wheeler, golf cart or using your leaf blower, you're typically mowing. We all admire your dedication to the cause, D-bag. ADN: (blushes humbly while taking another long swig on his MGD.) Neighbor from the SouthWest Enters, breathless: Sorry I'm late! NN: (Sniffs in annoyance) We were just about to adjourn, Southwest. SW: Sorry, I was just picking up my chainsaw from the shop. I've decided to take up chainsaw carving. I'm going to be working on a ten-foot replica of Mt. Rushmore this weekend. Everyone applauds, cheers and someone whistles between their fingers. NN: Great work everyone! Meeting adjourned.
2 Comments
Valerie
6/5/2018 01:31:33 pm
I wish that I had not decided to read this at work, as I am now getting funny looks from my coworkers for laughing hysterically at my desk. I also have a REALLY great mental picture from this.
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Sally
6/5/2018 01:38:12 pm
True story.
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About Sally FarleyI'm a typical, hardworking Midwesterner, enduring (and sometimes participating in) the passive-aggressive complexities of life in Minnesota. ArchivesLinksAsk a Manager
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