I just scanned through my recent posts and realize I might have a problem. A couple problems, maybe.
I like to poke fun at real estate photos (Actually, I don't consider that a problem. More of a hobby.) And I like to poke fun at Wisconsinites - or, more specifically, Wisconsin real estate photos. Or, even more specifically Wisconsin taxidermy displayed in their real estate photos. But I'm hesitant to really label that as a "problem," except maybe people in Wisconsin might think I have issues with them and their taxidermy. I don't, really. I find it eccentric and amusing. I do like Wisconsin! Some of my favorite cheese comes from Wisconsin. I have a mild crush on the Packer's Aaron Rodgers (or A-A-Ron, as I affectionately call him.) Note: I always root for the Packers. I hate the Vikings. Sorry, Valerie. (Valerie is my lone reader. I've just lost her as a reader, probably.) We go boating on Balsam Lake in Wisconsin, which is about an hour from our home. It's a beautiful lake, full of little coves, channels and islands surrounded by majestic pines. We sit in the boat on that lake and I just sigh wistfully, it's so beautiful. One of my coworkers is from Wisconsin and she once brought us some squeaky cheese from a local dairy. That shit was good! I've been trying to find some ever since. My point is, I like Wisconsin and I'd like to promise I'll cut down on the posts mocking their real estate photos and taxidermy. I'd LIKE to promise that, but then I'd be a promise-breaker and no one wants that.
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Okay, I just don't understand Wisconsinites' penchant for decorating with their stuffed and mounted kills. How can one relax and watch TV while the glassy eyes of the dead gaze at you? How can they spend an evening scouring the Internet for good killing grounds and online ammo shops when their recent victims hover overhead? At first, I thought it was simply amusing that so many north woods homeowners (especially in Wisconsin) display their kill trophies.
Now I'm just disgusted. Dead animals do not make good home decor, people. This is a beautiful kitchen - very nice! But, what's on that wall to the upper left in the photo? OMG, do they have a giant ant problem?? No. They don't have a giant ant problem. They have a strange affinity for fake dragonflies.
This house has a designated "Man Cave," as subtly noted by the signage. And since this home is located in Wisconsin, I fully expected a room with stuffed and mounted dead animals, a giant screen TV and a wet bar but instead there was this: But "Man Home Office" doesn't quiet have the same ring to it, does it?
Browsing home listings for Wisconsin this morning and found more dead animals as decor. This half-a-bear watches the family eat. Sounds like a recipe for indigestion, if you ask me. (What do they do with the other half of the bear? Do I even want to know?) Deer heads take priority over the tv in this home. The buck on the right seems to be caught mid-sentence. "Say, what's that fella in bright orange pointing at us?" Here's a duck alongside the gun that killed it. His little head is tucked down in shame. "They got me, all right." A turkey watches in judgement while you pour giblet gravy over your mashed potatoes. He hopes your arteries clog. It's not truly a cabin without some antlers and a bear skin. A pheasant posed majestically, as he must have been just before the buckshot tore through his body. Wtf are those boulders doing on the coffee table? Or are they gourds? Either way, meh. Okay this isn't a dead animal but creeps me out way more. Imagine waking up (or trying to go to sleep) with a doll watching over you with her lifeless black eyes. She looks like she's ready to pounce. Shudder. My husband and I are looking for land to build a house somewhere north of the Twin Cities. We currently live at the cross-section of two 55-MPH county roads where noise from traffic and nuisance neighbors has increased. We're looking for a quiet sanctuary where we can eventually retire. Last week he sent me a Google Earth pin of 5 acres of property in a rural neighborhood about an hour north of the metro. I opened up the pin to see this in Google Earth: At first glance, it looks nice! There are existing trees to the south and east and plenty of space. Neighbors' houses aren't right next to one another. Could be the peaceful retreat we're looking for! Then I zoomed out. We've had enough negative experiences with several current neighbors riding noisy ATVs around the neighborhood that I always carefully examine the neighborhood around any property we're interested in. This, below, looks like our worst nightmare. We drove to the property to check it out and it looked idyllic. The neighborhood was very rural, there was a lot of vegetation, it was high ground, not wetland. Private, peaceful and quiet.
Then we drove by the property with all the dirt trails. It's important to note they own a tiny house and but have a huge pole building full of trucks. The trails had deep ruts - likely not from ATVs but from trucks and jeeps. Here's my worst case scenario: This neighbor regularly invites all his beer-swilling, redneck friends with their jacked-up 4-wheel drive vehicles and they go mudding around the property all weekend. Maybe there's a live band, speakers hooked up high on poles so everyone racing around in their trucks can hear it. They shoot off fireworks all night, tattooed women take off their tops, there's devil worshipping and a human sacrifice. Demons are summoned, dark thunderclouds roil overhead and Gozer arrives, unleashing Zuul and Vinz Clortho who rampage through the neighborhood, devouring everyone's small pets. Etc. Thank God for Google Earth. We could have made a horrible mistake. I'm browsing houses for sale in the Twin Cities (Minnesota) suburbs and sometimes check out homes just over the border in Wisconsin because the potential commute would be about the same as a home north of the metro.
Honest to God, more than 50% of the Wisconsin listings have dead animals displayed somewhere in the home. Wisconsinites sure like killin' things. The homeowner below seems to have eradicated the entire male side of a deer family. Dad, uncles, brothers. Got 'em all! And since there's no TV over the mantle, everyone apparently sits in the living room staring down these dead beasts. If I had a dollar for every time I saw a home with a print of Raphael's Cherubs from the Sistine Madonna in the bathroom or master bedroom this week, I'd have 5 dollars. I'm not kidding. Why would anyone want a couple of toddler angels watching them do their business in the bathroom? Well, I guess technically they are averting their eyes.
These cherubs belong in Gemäldegalerie Alte Meister, Dresden, Germany, not your bathroom or bedroom, in rural Wisconsin, people. Sometimes my paranoia gets the best of me and I imagine my neighbors holding weekly meetings to schedule how they are going to annoy me.
These meetings would be led by the neighbor to our north, because she likes to control things and I imagine her telling the other neighbors her master's degree makes her the obvious choice to lead. These imagined weekly meetings would be to schedule noise nuisances and I picture them going something like this: Neighbor North: Now, of course I'm doing more than my share of the work by having my dogs outside barking all day, every day. So I need the rest of you to fill in time slots with your own special projects. Alcoholic Douchebag Neighbor: (taking a long swig of his MGD) I'm already planning to drive my Harley around the block multiple times this weekend. NN: Good, good. Needlessly revving the engine? ADN: Of course. Every time I pass by her house. NN: (rubbing hands together with glee) Perfect! How about you, Amy Arborgedden? AA: The kids and dogs will be outside all weekend. As you know, my youngest has only one volume. She'll be yelling as long as her little lungs will hold up. Which, I promise, is indefinitely. NN: Nice! How about you, Gray House Guy? GHG: I'll have my pet bird in his cage outside when it's not raining. NN: The one that screeches, "AFLAC!" over and over? GHG: That's the one. NN: Blue Dump Truck Neighbor, how about you, what will you be contributing to this weekend's Noise Fest? BDTN: I'll be pounding on my dump truck with a sledge hammer for no apparent reason whatsoever. NN: Oooh, delightful! How long? BDTN: All weekend. Alcoholic Douchebag Neighbor: Hey, I want to add something. NN: Of course! Highly encouraged. ADN: I'm going to mow. NN: ... Okaaaay. ADN: It's going to take me all day. I'm going to start/stop multiple times. You know how it takes most people about an hour to mow? I can stretch that shit out for hours. Days, even. NN: Oh, yes, I've noticed that if you're not on your Harley, four-wheeler, golf cart or using your leaf blower, you're typically mowing. We all admire your dedication to the cause, D-bag. ADN: (blushes humbly while taking another long swig on his MGD.) Neighbor from the SouthWest Enters, breathless: Sorry I'm late! NN: (Sniffs in annoyance) We were just about to adjourn, Southwest. SW: Sorry, I was just picking up my chainsaw from the shop. I've decided to take up chainsaw carving. I'm going to be working on a ten-foot replica of Mt. Rushmore this weekend. Everyone applauds, cheers and someone whistles between their fingers. NN: Great work everyone! Meeting adjourned. This realtor thought he'd take a creative shot looking down a spiral staircase to entice potential buyers.
However, the sheet covered sofa, unfinished walls and dingy outdoor carpet bad enough to keep anyone from traveling down those stairs. (Stairs of death! - I can already imagine myself losing footing and sliding down the stairs on my ass.) |
About Sally FarleyI'm a typical, hardworking Midwesterner, enduring (and sometimes participating in) the passive-aggressive complexities of life in Minnesota. ArchivesLinksAsk a Manager
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